Global finance in total meltdown. Major cities half obliterated. Peak oil (and peak helium, platinum, indium, zinc, copper, phosphorous…). Deteriorating soil quality in the heartland, and plummeting water tables — in fact, water shortages everywhere. Polar ice caps disappearing. Fishing stocks depleted. Our protective global magnetic field weakening. Vast methane clouds pouring out of their ancient undersea vaults. The U.S. Constitution in tatters.
Not that long ago, when my friends and I would get together and discuss our biggest concerns, they were along the lines of, “With the world so peaceful and prosperous, how will we keep our kids (when we have some) from growing up into spoiled trust-fund brats?” We were looking for solutions a little more subtle than worldwide strife and deprivation to teach them some humility, but I guess worldwide strife and deprivation will have to do. It worked for “the greatest generation,” after all. (Careful what you wish for!)
Honestly, it’s almost worth it to see everything turning to shit all at once, just to be able to say that, when I warned four years ago that the world couldn’t afford another four years of George Bush — that no scenario of devastation was too far-fetched — I was exactly right. It wasn’t hyperbole when I said George Bush could destroy the world. He now has.
Ahh.
Of course the destruction of the world could have taken many different forms. Here’s one way I’ve thought it might happen. Don’t you just know that this is exactly how Bush would respond to this kind of crisis? Imagine with me now…
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
AIDE
Mr. President, Space Command has
detected an extrasolar object in a
geoconverging orbit, exhibiting
nonballistic maneuvering capability.
Here's the report: "Alien starship
will reach earth in three months."
BUSH
"Space Command"? We have one of
those? You're shitting me.
AIDE
Yes sir, but the report --
BUSH
OK, you've covered your ass. Now
watch this drive.
INT. UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
AUTO EXEC
Dammit, Dick, these new CAFE rules
are killing us. Building more
fuel-efficient cars adds almost a
full percent more to the cost of
manufacture!
ASSISTANT
But the public wants these cars and
will pay a premium --
AUTO EXEC
The public? Bah! You're fired!
ASSISTANT
But the free market --
AUTO EXEC
Get out! ...Sorry you had to see
that, Dick.
CHENEY
I know how it is with these kids who
"care." Say, don't I remember
reading something highly classified
about an alien starship...?
AUTO EXEC
A what?!
CHENEY
Oh it's probably nothing... except
it's just what the doctor ordered
for your fuel-efficiency problems.
AUTO EXEC
Thanks Dick, you're the best.
CHENEY
Yes. Yes I am. Fuck you.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
BUSH
My fellow Americans, an alien
spaceship is approaching earth. It
will arrive in two months. Top
scientists have analyzed it and
determined it is likely that its
intent is hostile. I urge the
Congress to release one point six
trillion dollars to fund my
planetary defense program. In the
meantime, this government is taking
all possible steps to ensure the
safety of all Americans. I have
suspended fuel-efficiency rules so
that automobile manufacturers can,
ah, include lead shielding in the
passenger cabins of all new
automobiles as protection against,
er, a possible alien death ray.
INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
MILBANK
Yes, Harvey?
HARVEY
What is the president's response to
reports that MIT scientists have
deciphered transmissions from the
alien ship and determined its
mission is peaceful?
MILBANK
The president sees through that
transparent ruse. I direct your
attention to this report, released
yesterday by the NSA, pointing out
that Al Qaeda operatives received
the same transmissions.
HARVEY
Of course they did, everyone on
earth rec --
MILBANK
Next question -- Paul?
INT. U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES - DAY
A REPUBLICAN
Madame Speaker, I move to end debate
and vote on the proposal to release
the one-point-six-trillion dollars
that our commander-in-chief requires
to defeat the Al Qaeda terror
spaceship.
PELOSI
Very well. If there be any opposed
to the proposal to fund the
president's Al Qaeda space-defense
program --
KUCINICH
Hang on, that spaceship has nothing
to do with Al --
PELOSI
Shut up, Kucinich.
(bangs gavel)
Without objection, the measure
passes.
INT. ALIEN STARSHIP
LIEUTENANT
Commander, sensors indicate a
massive missile launch from the
planet's surface.
COMMANDER
Target?
LIEUTENANT
Computing... sir, I don't
understand. The missiles are
heading straight for us, but --
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM
ADVISOR
(frantically)
--those missiles don't have enough
fuel! It's what I've been trying to
tell you! They're intercontinental
missiles, they can't even achieve
low earth orbit, let alone--
CUT TO:
INT. ALIEN STARSHIP
LIEUTENANT
--our geostationary orbit is far out
of range.
COMMANDER
(sighs)
I had hoped for a cultural exchange,
but I can see these people are both
warlike and stupid. Incinerate
planet.
LIEUTENANT
Aye sir... planet incinerated.
Let’s hope that if aliens do come — or whatever the next disaster is — it’s not in the next seventy-seven days.