Most of these are from our most fertile period during the mid- to late-nineties. I no longer remember which ones I wrote and which ones he wrote. Occasionally one or the other of us will still come up with a new one and mail it to the other under the subject heading, “Do not read.”
- “A thousand dollars!” Tom said grandly.
- “I’ll make coffee,” Tom said perkily.
- “I’m going to the bathroom,” Tom said peevishly.
- “Where’s my dog?” Tom said uncannily.
- “I just came back from Kansas,” Tom explained.
- “I’m a plumber,” Tom piped in.
- “Give me another hit off that roach,” Tom said dubiously.
- “You turkeys,” Tom groused.
- “This thesis begins well,” Tom said abstractly.
- “I almost got the bronze,” Tom held forth.
- “I’m a metal worker specializing in phrenology,” Tom forged ahead.
- “With with with with,” Tom said forthwith.
- “Turn right,” Tom said adroitly.
- “Don’t erase it this time,” Tom remarked.
- “I lost them in the war,” Tom said defeatedly.
- “And over here is the tomb of Elmer Fudd,” Tom quipped.
- “It was the year that I almost won the election,” Tom recounted.
- “Here!” Tom said presently.
- “I’m celibate,” Tom said inscrutably.
- “That dragon almost got me,” Tom said under his breath.
- “‘Ere, I done the bleedin’ lawn,” Tom emoted.
- “I belong,” Tom said at length.
- “I’m done cooking,” Tom fired off.
- “I’ll not stand for it!” Tom lied.
- “This is my hotel,” Tom intended to say.
- “I’m the keystone of this operation,” Tom said archly.
- “Have more wine,” Tom replied.
- “I’m getting another lawyer,” Tom retorted.
- “All right, I was a prostitute,” Tom exhorted.
- “How gauche,” Tom said, and left.
- “You have to use caulk. Caulk!” Tom crowed.
- “I can’t stop this horse,” Tom said woefully.
- “I am too,” Tom said evenly.
- “I sprained my ankle during the race,” Tom finished lamely.
- “But let me tell you about myself,” Tom resumed.
- “I love shaving insects,” Tom blathered.
- “You look good in mink,” Tom inferred.
- “This hive’s empty,” Tom believed.
- “A-yup, that’s a donkey alright,” Tom assured.
- “Draw,” Tom drawled.
- “I better walk in front,” Tom decided.
- “I think it’s in the closet,” Tom came out with gaily.
- “He stopped breathing,” Tom said, exasperated.
- “It’s either a big puddle or a small lake,” Tom said ponderously.
- “You thieving knave,” Tom said tartly.
- “Goodness!” Tom said graciously.
- “The power went out!” said Tom, delighted.
- “22/7 is close enough,” Tom rationalized.
- “Boy, it sure is hot these days,” Tom summarized.
- “Crooked, off-center, and inclined,” Tom listed.
- “Thar she blows!” Tom wailed.
- “You call it,” Tom said flippantly.
- “I didn’t want to be in their rotten club anyway,” Tom said, dismembered.
- “Does your society really consist of soldiers, workers, and a queen?” Tom said askance.
- “It’s exactly twelve ounces of soda,” Tom fantasized.
- “Boy, that tree’s bent in a complete circle,” Tom opined.
- “I enjoyed that French bread,” Tom said painfully.
- “Where’s the cat box?” Tom said literally.
- “Again,” Tom said again.
- “It’s somewhere in South America,” Tom perused.
- “Nice hair,” Tom brayed.
- “This is mine,” Tom disclaimed.
- “No, not San Francisco, I meant that other city down south,” Tom lamented.
- “A booby-trap!” Tom tittered.
- “Look at all those politicians,” Tom said by convention.
- “Dammit,” Tom stonewalled.
- “You fellas are all expert shots,” Tom said with acumen.
- “I am a nun,” Tom said out of habit.
- “Nice slacks,” Tom panted.
- “I work in bog repair,” Tom repeated.
- “Get ready to go really fast!” Tom presumed.
- “I have to unfreeze this steak,” Tom thought.
- “Him,” Tom pronounced.
- “I can see up your skirt,” Tom misunderstood.
- “Get lost,” Tom pointed out.
- “There’s my street,” Tom said ruefully.
- “I’m moved,” Tom translated.
- “I think I’m developing cataracts,” Tom said with denial.
- “Who let the fire go out!” Tom bellowed.
And then there’s this very dated one:
- “I approve of our new vice president,” Tom said allegorically.
(Maybe soon we can rewrite it to say “I approve of our new president.”)